Backsliding again

I realized today that I have stopped keeping a food diary, I stopped writing in my blog, I stopped living and am now filling every waking hour with work & food... the reason - I am sad.

I have been sad ever since my 50th birthday last December - when my boyfriend proposed to me only he didn't want anyone to know (he is trying to protect the feelings of his kids). I knew I couldn't go through life being secretly engaged - for me engagement is the public proclamation of a couples love for each other. It really hurt my feelings that he feels badly about the idea of getting engaged. This was suppose to be a happy day in both our lives but with the dark cloud and shame he feels about his failed previous marriage - it turned into a very sad day. The engagement was put indefinitely on hold - and it is now 11 months later and no steps have been made towards moving forward in our relationship.

So I am filling every waking hour with work and food and I am overwhelmed every day because I can't delegate some of this work and I don't know how to move beyond the emotional pain. I need to let go of this dream and move on with my life but this emotional wound runs very deep.

I don't blame him - he isn't trying to hurt me and he does love me. The issue is a conflict with my moral/religious beliefs and some old self esteem issues around not being good enough. These are MY issues and I take full responsibility for them. I can wallow in self pity or I can let go and move on - I have just been struggling with the moving on.

I realize that the death of a dream requires time for mourning and healing - just as the death of anything else of major importance in someones life. And I have truly been grieving.

But at some point you have to move beyond the grief. To move beyond the pain and start taking active steps towards a better future. Today I take that ONE step forward knowing that I may slip and fall in the future but those slips will become farther and fewer with each positive step I take today.

I want my life to change - it is 100% up to me how successful in life I will be. Success in life isn't measured by the money in the bank - but by the contentment I feel at the end of each day knowing I have done my best, loved as deeply as I could, learned something new, remained true to my core beliefs, and lived as honorably as I could. Just knowing I did that each day is enough to set my heart to rest at night with that sigh of contentment.

Life isn't easy - it would have no value if it was easy - it is the things we struggle with that build character and create the strong self confident adult we become.

Today I am grateful for being self aware enough to recognize my triggers so I can begin changing the learned negative behavior patterns. I don't have to react the way I do - just being self aware gives me the choice to choose a different response and thus a new outcome.

Today I am grateful for this blog - I am a very private person and it is very difficult for me to share this. I don't want people to know about my personal life - but perhaps this too is part of being true to myself. To be an open book. A real person with feelings and struggles just like the rest of the people in the world.

Today I am grateful for this new day - this new opportunity to choose a different response to the struggles I am facing.

Today I commit to take action:

Dickens Carolers - Today I will make the phone calls necessary to make sure I have singers for our upcoming performances since I cannot delegate this responsibility this year. (1 hour)
Francis Plumbing - Today I will correct the links on the website that have been bothering me (1 hour)
Your Plumbing Success - Today I will edit the new auto responder with the updated (2 hours)
Home - I will get 1 load of laundry done and the house vacuumed (30 minutes)
Family - I will cook a healthy low calorie dinner that will benefit my entire family (1 hour) & spend time after dinner playing a new board game to give us some fun time together (1 hour)
Exercise - I will walk the dog for 1 hour (benefits me & the dog).
ME - I will allow myself 1 hour for just me - to do my nails and read a bit from an amazing book I will tell you more about tomorrow.

The rest of the day will happen as it will... but I will rest tonight knowing I have given what I could, learned what I could, and accomplished what I could without guilt.

Today is a new day... time to walk the dog

Kay Kinder
Entrepreneur, Mom, Teacher, Student, Woman & so much more...

Day 81 Poor pitiful me

It seems we all have excuses why we don't do the things we need to do to succeed. I'm also guilty of this. For the last 5 months I have been dealing with a frozen shoulder that has been causing not only immobility in my primary arm (left) but also extreme pain especially at night. This has pretty much eliminated my exercise which is my personal Achilles heal. I HAVE to exercise or I remain stuck where I am while I loose more and more mobility each day.

So this past weekend I decided that pain or no pain, I wasn't going to let my body continue deteriorating. When life throws limits in your way you can chose to hang on to them as excuses for failure or you can choose to overcome them as temporary hurdles.

For the last 3 days I have gone hiking each afternoon for a minimum of 45 minutes. Where I live in Canada is some of the most beautiful scenic trails although they can be quite challenging due to the rocky terrain. Although my shoulder still hurts like a bugger - my sore legs are now taking over in the uncomfortable ache areas. But the discomfort only reminds me that I am one step closer to my dreams - one step closer to better health - one step closer to better balance - one step closer to the fun me who loves the outdoors.

I choose to step outside my comfort zone, I choose to embrace the discomfort that reminds me I am still alive. I choose to live.

No more poor pitiful me - there is nothing to pity here - only a woman who after 81 days of being stuck finally said - enough is enough. I'm off to go hiking once again this afternoon and the weather couldn't be more beautiful.

Each step I live

Kay Kinder
1,000 days to health and wealth