I realized today that I have stopped keeping a food diary, I stopped writing in my blog, I stopped living and am now filling every waking hour with work & food... the reason - I am sad.
I have been sad ever since my 50th birthday last December - when my boyfriend proposed to me only he didn't want anyone to know (he is trying to protect the feelings of his kids). I knew I couldn't go through life being secretly engaged - for me engagement is the public proclamation of a couples love for each other. It really hurt my feelings that he feels badly about the idea of getting engaged. This was suppose to be a happy day in both our lives but with the dark cloud and shame he feels about his failed previous marriage - it turned into a very sad day. The engagement was put indefinitely on hold - and it is now 11 months later and no steps have been made towards moving forward in our relationship.
So I am filling every waking hour with work and food and I am overwhelmed every day because I can't delegate some of this work and I don't know how to move beyond the emotional pain. I need to let go of this dream and move on with my life but this emotional wound runs very deep.
I don't blame him - he isn't trying to hurt me and he does love me. The issue is a conflict with my moral/religious beliefs and some old self esteem issues around not being good enough. These are MY issues and I take full responsibility for them. I can wallow in self pity or I can let go and move on - I have just been struggling with the moving on.
I realize that the death of a dream requires time for mourning and healing - just as the death of anything else of major importance in someones life. And I have truly been grieving.
But at some point you have to move beyond the grief. To move beyond the pain and start taking active steps towards a better future. Today I take that ONE step forward knowing that I may slip and fall in the future but those slips will become farther and fewer with each positive step I take today.
I want my life to change - it is 100% up to me how successful in life I will be. Success in life isn't measured by the money in the bank - but by the contentment I feel at the end of each day knowing I have done my best, loved as deeply as I could, learned something new, remained true to my core beliefs, and lived as honorably as I could. Just knowing I did that each day is enough to set my heart to rest at night with that sigh of contentment.
Life isn't easy - it would have no value if it was easy - it is the things we struggle with that build character and create the strong self confident adult we become.
Today I am grateful for being self aware enough to recognize my triggers so I can begin changing the learned negative behavior patterns. I don't have to react the way I do - just being self aware gives me the choice to choose a different response and thus a new outcome.
Today I am grateful for this blog - I am a very private person and it is very difficult for me to share this. I don't want people to know about my personal life - but perhaps this too is part of being true to myself. To be an open book. A real person with feelings and struggles just like the rest of the people in the world.
Today I am grateful for this new day - this new opportunity to choose a different response to the struggles I am facing.
Today I commit to take action:
Dickens Carolers - Today I will make the phone calls necessary to make sure I have singers for our upcoming performances since I cannot delegate this responsibility this year. (1 hour)
Francis Plumbing - Today I will correct the links on the website that have been bothering me (1 hour)
Your Plumbing Success - Today I will edit the new auto responder with the updated (2 hours)
Home - I will get 1 load of laundry done and the house vacuumed (30 minutes)
Family - I will cook a healthy low calorie dinner that will benefit my entire family (1 hour) & spend time after dinner playing a new board game to give us some fun time together (1 hour)
Exercise - I will walk the dog for 1 hour (benefits me & the dog).
ME - I will allow myself 1 hour for just me - to do my nails and read a bit from an amazing book I will tell you more about tomorrow.
The rest of the day will happen as it will... but I will rest tonight knowing I have given what I could, learned what I could, and accomplished what I could without guilt.
Today is a new day... time to walk the dog
Kay Kinder
Entrepreneur, Mom, Teacher, Student, Woman & so much more...
No comments:
Post a Comment